By Masimbulele Buso
Understanding the cycle of abuse gains us insight into the common patterns of abusive behaviour in relationships. It also helps to provide possible reasons why people experiencing abuse often find it difficult to leave the abusive relationship.
The basic cycle of abuse consists of an outburst of violence (hitting, kicking, biting, strangling) which is followed by a so-called honeymoon period, which is characterised by a sudden positive change in the behaviour of the abuser. In this period, the abuser often engages in extreme displays of attention and affection, is apologetic, and makes promises to change. This behaviour functions to soothe and eliminate the worries of the abused person and typically does not last long. The abused individual will often welcome this type of behaviour and tend to fixate on it when the abuse occurs again.
Once the victim’s worries have been silenced, the old power structure is reasserted. Slowly tension will build in the abuser that will often erupt in further acts of violence. Periods of violence may differ in frequency and intensity, depending on what phase the relationship is in. Eventually, the honeymoon phase can disappear completely, and in some abusive relationships, it may not exist at all.
Although male violence towards women is the most prevalent form of abuse that is reported, it is important to acknowledge that other types of violence occur. These include same-sex partner violence or violence against men. These kinds of violence may not fit this model. However, there are general (typical) behavioural patterns that can be drawn from this model that are indicators of abuse.
A question often asked in relation to domestic violence is: “Why doesn’t (s)he leave?” There is no simple answer to this question because domestic violence is a complex phenomenon that often involves physical, psychological, emotional, and economic forms of abuse. It may often lead to battered woman syndrome, where a woman in an abusive relationship starts feeling helpless, worthless, powerless, and accepting of the status quo.
Why women stay in abusive relationships:
- Psychological trauma caused by repeated emotional and physical abuse. This includes damaged self-worth, damaged loss of control, and learned helplessness (described below).
- The theory of learned helplessness is summarised as the ability to accept one’s position of passivity to such a degree that a person experiences psychological paralysis. Individuals often believe they cannot influence or control what is about to happen to them. As these perceptions become more overwhelming, they develop the belief that they are helpless and cannot change the outcome of events.
- Previous childhood traumas of abuse.
- Fear of death and harm to children, family, and self.
- Financial dependence on the abuser.
- Social constraints and common social pressures regarding the nature of a family. A women’s ethnic, cultural, or religious group may not accept divorce and she thus fears that her community will reject her if she leaves her husband or partner. It is not uncommon for these people to make her stay in the relationship.
- Lack of alternatives such as shelters for victims of abuse.
- Many women stay because they have little or no legal protection.
- Isolation from friends and family as a result of the abuse, which leads to the perception of a lack of safe spaces to go to.
Abuse may occur in similar patterns, but it is important to understand that it does not occur the same way for each person and in the same type of relationship. As stated before, not all cases of violence can fit within the above-mentioned patterns of behaviour, but this list gives us insight into some of the most common patterns of behaviour.
(Masimbulele Buso is the manager of anti-harassment, discrimination and gender harm at Rhodes University).
