———- Forwarded message ———-
From: Michael Naidoo
Date: 1 September 2014 12:34
Subject: FW: Tula tuli
To: editor@grocotts.co.za, letters@grocotts.co.za
A Parody, not to be taken seriously:
———- Forwarded message ———-
From: Michael Naidoo
Date: 1 September 2014 12:34
Subject: FW: Tula tuli
To: editor@grocotts.co.za, letters@grocotts.co.za
A Parody, not to be taken seriously:
So I was talking to my old friend Frikkie van Riebeeck, the real powerhouse behind Oranje – our friendship dates back to the old South Africa, when we used to run guns together. “Maaikie,” he says to me, "we want to make that girl Tuli a free citizen of Oranje.”
Readers please note – Frikkie, while an acquaintance, has no actual idea of political correctness, or respect for people – in other words, a regte old Suid Afrikaner.
"Frikkie, you do know that she’s Black?” I reply.
“Rubbish, she’s whiter than most of us here,” he counters. Now I’m surprised, and I say this to him. Better, still I ask him to explain this position.
“Well,” he begins, “She has done more to advance our cause than any 10 of our idiots who can’t stay on a horse, or out of the garage behind the house – do you know, she only finds you chappies guilty of theft and corruption, and things – it’s as if we are all as innocent as babies.
Yes, to her we are all as white as snow – you’d think we brought our own land and cattle on the ships we came in – anyone with half a brain knows that we are the biggest thieves in history – I mean, we stole an entire continent or two, killed the natives like they were game to be hunted, stole their livestock, and then started this theory that they were a nation of cattle thieves – hell, when it comes to theft, we practically invented the idea.”
I ask him to expand on this idea.
“You just look at this Nkandla deal – I mean who actually gives a rat’s arse how much was spent on that bloke – our guys stole huge wine farms and estates, and then used your people to guard them. Our people stole your mines and minerals, and took for ourselves the finest seaside plots – hell, we even kicked you darkies off your own coastlines, and denied you access to your own beaches, we took land from you whenever you liked, and called this expropriation, and then we killed you when you protested – in all that time, not a single eyebrow was raised – look at what our guys owned – look at PW in Wildenesss, FW, everywhere, and then start backtracking – we even stole your identity and freedom, and we explained nothing to Tuli.
Even now, when we complain, it gets investigated in a few days, and makes headlines – when you complain, it takes months or years, and then they complain that they don’t have enough manpower to do their jobs – hell, boet, if anyone deserves freedom of Oranje, it’s Tuli.” Well, one thing you say about Frikkie – he doesn’t mince his words.
“You know this arms deal nonsense” he says – and I remember him to be one of the finest arms dealers I knew – I mean he stole R1s from the police and army and sold them freely in the townships, because, in his own words: ”I am not a commie bastard, Maaikie, I believe in free enterprise.”
When I pointed out to him that these weapons could be used against white people as well, he replied: ”These darkies are too stupid to look after these guns, and anyway, our guys have the most guns per household in the world, we’re ready for them anytime.”
“Well anyway,” he continued, “Who was the prezzie at the time – wasn’t it that Mabeki fellow – the one who speaks like a soutie – how can you make a 50 billion deal, without the headman knowing – if that’s not corruption, then at least it’s gross incompetence.”
I had to agree with him on this.
“Anyhow,” he continued, "We still own 90% of the land, and we are only about 10% of the people – we own all of the cities, and almost all of the companies – we make a lot of noise about the unfairness of affirmative action, but we were quiet about job reservation and we still have mainly our own white men in charge of almost every major industry in this country.
We own dummy companies with garden boys as directors, and use these companies to move money from government to us – I mean think about it – one of you darkies gets a tender to build a road – we own the companies that make the tar, and the paint, and we own all of the heavy machinery, so we double our prices and let you do all the work.
Our parents bought, or were given really, farms for R25 000, and now we sell to you as part of land claims for R2.5 million – and of course, the farms simply cannot support such large bank bonds, and we simply wait for you to fail, and then we buy back from you for a loss – such is our way.”
“So what should we do, Frikkie?” I asked him – “It’s quite easy,” he replied, "You darkies have to get your shit together – I mean, you don’t see us attacking each other all the time, even though we know that we are all crooks, nee Man, you see us sticking up for each other, and forming a united front – we whinge and whine loudly, when really, we have it better than any other nation in the world – that’s why we leave here only to return – there’s nowhere as good as this place, and we love it here – every time we see you go for each other, we laugh inside – it’s what makes us happy, and you know, if we leave you alone for long enough, you’ll all destroy each other, and then we’ll have the place to ourselves again, except I hope you leave us a few maids to clean up the place, hey.”
Thus spoke Frikkie van Rebieeck of Oranje Michael J Naidoo Grahamstown
