The thought never really crossed my mind that my wife, Augusta, could die. One of her friends even remarked that she was not the sort of person you would think of that could die.
But she did, on Wednesday 9 December, after 11 days of induced coma and on a ventilator.
I was devastated. I still have trouble coming to grips with the fact that she is gone and I will never see her on earth again. I also never imagined that any one person could suffer such pain as I did.
At the East Cape Midlands service for her I said that I am now just half a person: my other half has been traumatically torn away.
Another fact that I also never fully realised was just how much I loved her. I guess loving somebody so intensely and existentially for 42 years, becoming one as it were, will of course cause tremendous pain when you are so abruptly and irreversibly separated. For quite some time after her death I was so engulfed in my mourning, that it seemed to me I was the only person ever to experience such terrible sadness.
I must admit, I came somewhat to my senses, learning of others who are still mourning the loss of a loved one, even after many years. Many well intended expressions of support and condolences of friends and family, were appreciated, but did not help in any way to relieve my emotional pain. It did provide an outlet for me to talk about it over the past five weeks, often succumbing to tears and floods of emotion. Sharing thoughts about what I experienced seemed to help others and helped me get some more focus amid the confusion and brokenness of my heart.
People might say, “Hold on to the good memories”, but even that caused me pain, realising that I lost the source of all those wonderful memories.
One thing that really helped me was to pray, talk to God. I did so and still do, from my heart, as honestly and truly as I can. James 5:13 indeed advises, “Is anyone among you in trouble? Let them pray.”
I do believe that God, who created me, is able to heal and comfort effectively. The psalmist also says, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” (Ps 147:3).
He helps me to look back and move from the pain of loss, and from its self-centred pitfalls, to gratitude for being blessed so richly by the most amazing person I ever knew. I can also appreciate that she fulfilled her life calling by giving her best for the skills empowerment of young people at EMC, and was a caring and what-you-see-is-what-you-get friend to many.
Looking ahead, I was reminded of that amazing film, Babette’s Feast of 1987, and the encouraging words of Philippa to Babette at the end: “This is not the end, Babette.
“In Paradise, you will be the great artist God meant you to be. Ah, how you will enchant the angels.”
I also expect to be comforted and fulfilled by God in ways not yet fully known to me.
Thank you, Augusta, for being a blessing to many in the community of Grahamstown, to friends and family far and wide, and to me and our sons.
Thank you God, for giving her to us for this time.
- Strauss de Jager, NG Kerk
